Shrink said I don’t fit here, that I’d probably do better in the city. I agreed, even if later I resented it. How come I can’t do it? Is it me, is it this place? Is it both?
The city is exciting, and my type of people. Together, and alone. Or alone, and together. On the train you feel united with these people who have pasts and are with you in this moment on an adventure, something in common with company you don’t have to talk to or perform for. Here it’s a together or alone situation, two extremes, you can’t blend or find your people very well. You’re in or out, and it’s hard to turn the volume up to eleven all the time because you can’t rest and move with the tide, they notice. And then you’re alone.
I always think ‘I’ve been here for ____’, not ‘I’ve lived here’. And that’s just really sad.
It’s been a few years, but maybe I have to wait longer, for healing.
And there’s that old bit about keep running, and it gets easier every time.
And damn, that sunset was amazing. The stars always take your breath away.
Which is fine because the air is clear as a bell =)
I can’t, anyway. I don’t have the money. I keep spending money I don’t have. Not so much on useless things.. it feels like the type of things like.. your bladder is full and finally you pee in relief, not so much giddy excitement in buying treats.
Regardless, it’s probably a bipolar thing anyway, I don’t know.