Willpower is Finite

I remember listening to a StuffYouShouldKnow podcast the other day on willpower – that it’s finite. Resist one thing and it’ll get harder to resist something else.

My mother called me twice in concern over my shoulder. At first I resisted contacting her back – saying to myself ‘I’m not falling for that again’.. (she’s a narcissist)

But ultimately I fell for that again and responded to her facebook message, poured my heart out on how much my shoulder hurts (injured it a few days ago) and got four words in response ‘hang in. How’s work’ and then nothing after that even telling her how work was, she ghosted.

People ghost a lot.

I tend to say to my shrink ‘no one cares about me’. Which is draining to her because she cares, I know.

I think what I mean by care is.. empathy. Sympathy.. I don’t know. I don’t feel that many people care about me in any good strong way. No one hates or loves me very much. I have two cousins who do love me, a cat at my parents house who does, a sister who does *sometimes*..  and all of these have a huge caveat, as you know.

 

So for family I know the ‘dance man’ rule well, and can tell exactly when and how I break it. I don’t know how to fix it when I break it… I think what happens is they see something interesting on the edge of the radar of ignoring me and come back for another show, and I’ll exhaustedly put on the monkey suit and dance again, because what else can I do?

I don’t know what the answer is at all when it comes to friends or lovers, because I don’t have any and I don’t know why, and no one will tell me.

So.. with no empathy towards me, I feel like I have no choice but to drink the poison of self pity, which makes me feel worse. I don’t know how to cope with nothing in the ‘belonging’ jar. I’m exhausted, I feel like I’ve tried everything. I am empty.

I am.

But honestly.. I am not.

 

Recipe for Happiness

Happiness is the most organic of emotions.

I mean, I disagree with my parents’ philosophy of how you can ‘choose to be happy’. I think happiness comes up naturally, I can’t chose it one way or another.

But I can choose to try to get there.

Your first step is gratitude. I think gratitude isn’t always organic. You can also choose to reach for gratitude for something. Gratitude is the fuel to the fire, the firewood.

Pile up gratitude high enough, and it’ll become easier to catch a spark of hope.

That spark of hope will start a fire. And sometimes, the warmth from that fire?

That’s happiness.

Bravery vs. Courage?

What do y’all think is the difference between bravery and courage? I’ve heard different things from different places.

For me, bravery equals survival, holding shit together because you have no other choice. Standing up, because if you stop moving, you’ll fall. No heart to it, just grit.

Courage, for me, feels fuller. Whereas bravery is fighting because you have to, courage means there’s heart to it, you’re fighting for something, something more than just survival. I even think it has nothing to do with survival. It has to do with life, and love. That there are people behind you who are worth fighting for, who you’d protect fiercely because you love them. Even just yourself, loving yourself, but I still think that’s closer to bravery… okay, no, that probably counts as courage. Because courage is an extra push of wind to fill your sails. Hope, happiness, love. Moving forward is easier with that. (yes, I guess it still counts even if it’s just loving yourself.. love is the key part of it).

Which is why I hate it that everyone calls me brave.