Should I really move?

Shrink said I don’t fit here, that I’d probably do better in the city. I agreed, even if later I resented it. How come I can’t do it? Is it me, is it this place? Is it both?

The city is exciting, and my type of people. Together, and alone. Or alone, and together. On the train you feel united with these people who have pasts and are with you in this moment on an adventure, something in common with company you don’t have to talk to or perform for. Here it’s a together or alone situation, two extremes, you can’t blend or find your people very well. You’re in or out, and it’s hard to turn the volume up to eleven all the time because you can’t rest and move with the tide, they notice. And then you’re alone.

I always think ‘I’ve been here for ____’, not ‘I’ve lived here’. And that’s just really sad.

It’s been a few years, but maybe I have to wait longer, for healing.

And there’s that old bit about keep running, and it gets easier every time.

And damn, that sunset was amazing. The stars always take your breath away.

Which is fine because the air is clear as a bell =)

I can’t, anyway. I don’t have the money. I keep spending money I don’t have. Not so much on useless things.. it feels like the type of things like.. your bladder is full and finally you pee in relief, not so much giddy excitement in buying treats.

Regardless, it’s probably a bipolar thing anyway, I don’t know.


My New Glass Box

Who needs intros? Shit went down and now I’m here.

We’re all about being weird, accepting our differences, let’s have a picnic on unicorns.

Fuck that shit. I want to be normal.

I know everyone is themselves, throughout, “the universe in their eyes” as George Carlin was saying, but I’m not talking about that part.

I’m talking about standing strong again, not living in a locked glass box looking out on the mess that’s my life that I’m itching to clean up.

What am I doing now? I’m making the glass box look nice at least.

Mindfulness helps. Being in the moment, not being chained to your thoughts. I do better when I concentrate outwards and am not inside myself, like concentrate on the environment, like the cat.

Yoga. Though hell, that does nothing to scratch that angry itch I’ve got. I want to get back into rugby, dammit.

The cat is therapy herself.

I go to church too. I agree with these people philosophically (UU), but mostly I’m there to sing.

What makes you burn, what makes you sing in the shower? what causes your heart to flow freely through your hands? I know what I want to do. I just need out of the glass box, to learn to get through new (and old) disabilities, to be able to do what I want to do (christ, I can only read for ten minutes a week right now)