Always the satellite, never the planet

So things suck with my family, but nothing is new there. I have never ever ever ever been a planet for anyone, people on the same planet, who are cool with the other people on their planet. I’m the satellite, far away. Sometimes I’m not even allowed in their orbit.

The girl I’m seeing doesn’t want to be planets either.

I’m a bit tipsy, and maudlin. I never want to drink again.

I am so, so tired of never having my feet on the ground with anyone. People need some gravity.. some place to have their feet on the ground. No one wants me on their ground, and I am ensconced in self hatred right now, because my ‘feet’ must be dirty and stupid to never be worth anyone else’s energy or time.

My sister is kind of a kindred spirit, but she doesn’t give a shit either. I have cousins who do care, but their mom is like Mrs. Coulter. I can only tell them with my eyes that I’m there.

That aunt used to be my favorite aunt, but now she flips on a dime to that awful metallic mode. She cut me off for a year recently. I’m only semi allowed to exist in her orbit now.

I can tell I’m losing my cousins too. I’m losing them.

I’ve lost my ‘family of origin’. Going back to the house for holidays is hell. You know that feeling of when it’s really really cold out, and you come inside your house, but your muscles and bones still hold the memory of the intense cold for awhile? I’m doing that. I don’t know what’ll help. I fucking hate drinking, but I did it anyway, and also did it nearly every night at my parents’ house to try killing the parts of me that cared, at least for a time.

Now.. is not a good time. I want to curl up and freeze to death, because nothing is warm.


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