I wish I were a courtesan

I’ve been well enough to be able to hear my body, lately, to be awake enough to feel like I’m absorbing the experiences of life a little more, and thus more able to respond to it.

So, I thought it’d be a good idea to do something about being lonely.

That kind of lonely.

I ‘went walking’ with a couple of people, casually, but there was dishonesty abound.

All of my ‘walking’ experiences have been horrible, few as they’ve been. I know I shouldn’t have done it, because of how awful my past record in that department has been, but I thought this time would be different. But alas, the definition of insanity.

I’ve been hollowed out and morose since then, been doing stupid things that my body doesn’t like. I feel used and lied to.

I wish I knew of a way that wasn’t skeevy online that would work for me.

But the friend department is mostly empty, so is the family one. And I’ve been thinking on those, that those should be steady and have something in them first, right? And for so long they haven’t. And yet still, as they haven’t, so then I haven’t even considered the romantical basket.

I am too skittish, I think, for something more traditional like marriage. I don’t know what I’d do with myself in a relationship (no, I’ve never had one). There was this movie on a courtesan and this nobleman and they were in love but couldn’t marry, he already was, class, all that, so it was a long term thing with them.

Why can’t I be a courtesan?

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